CAPRICORN THREE

Suitable homes don't often become available – not for the likes of me, anyway - so when one does, you gotta snap it up. This bridge was only a couple of weeks old when I moved in; you could still smell the new paint. Boy, was it great after twenty years in a cave. Not that I’ve got anything against caves, mind – I just thought it was time for a change.
I'm a reasonable guy - I wasn't gonna advertise my presence by jumping out, yelling and making faces whenever a potential lunch came near - give me the quiet life every time. Now and again I'd take a piglet unawares as he stroked his chin on the riverbank, or snaffle up a cat as he pulled on a pair of wellingtons to go fishing. Once, a small bear, foraging for porridge, almost walked right into me - happy times. Humans I can take or leave - a tasty snack, yes - but if the alarm gets out, it's time to move on, and who'd walk away from a place like this?
I’m a guy of simple tastes – I’ve got a few pots and pans, a black-and-white television which I rarely watch except for ‘Bilko’ and ‘The Sky at Night’. My only real luxury is my music – I’m a sucker for Gilbert and Sullivan, especially ‘The Gondoliers’.
Anyway, things were great until those bloody goats moved in - trip-trapping and clip-clopping every hour of the day and night.
'The grass is greener on that side - TRIP-TRAP - no, this side - CLIP-CLOP - no, that side.' SHUT UP!
I'd take one just for fun - even though I'm allergic - but they always travel mob-handed with their stupid little beards and their incessant bleating. The worst thing is they show no respect; they look down their furry snouts at me like I’m some relic from a bygone age. Some days I just stay in bed with my headphones on to avoid the aggravation. It’s days like those you need ‘The Mikado’ and ‘The Pirates of Penzance’.
The middle-size goat is the worst. Although his horns are really quite pathetic, he really rates himself a cut above other ungulates – there’s the cigarette constantly dangling from his mouth, the reverse baseball cap and the sunglasses for starters, and now, get this, a moped.
'The grass is greener on that side - VROOM-VROOM - no, this side - VROOM-VROOM - no, that side.' Can you imagine it?
What the hell is a troll to do in the circumstances? Will the reputation of my ancient race be tarnished by these grass-chomping upstarts? No, it will not!
Tonight, I promise you, fur will fly!